johnrobe

According to the New York Times, 95% of blogs are abandoned. Anyone still checking here probably feels like this blog is one of them, but not so.

I have a lot to write about, but I’ve been having a bit of a hard time lately.

I promise to you all these topics, as soon as I’m able to bring myself to write again:

• My review of Star Trek. I owe it to you after all the foreshadowing.
• My response to Mike’s tagging of me about 5 or 6 months ago
• A post about Rock 4 the Kids, something I am so very proud of, but haven’t spoken about here.

All this and more… soon. As soon as I can actually think and type and write again.

John General, Music, Rants, Television

While reading a trail of posts related to Shatner Day, 2009, I came across this YouTube clip entitlted “Worst Fight Scene Ever” and I became distracted. Why? Because it really really was the worst fight scene ever.

I mean, look at it, one guy is in a horrible rubber suit and moving slower in a terrible slow motion. The other guy, despite having physical tasks that would really be pushing it to call strenuous is actually a body double / stuntman (who looks nothing like Shatner).

What really gets me though is that when I was a kid and watched this episode, I was tense every time! In fact, if I had to make a list of the BEST fight scenes ever from memory, I would have put this one on it — why was my memory so faulty? I think maybe it’s because as a kid, this fight represents how we see the world, someone stronger than you but who you can outrun, out think and out dodge, but who you’d better not let hit you with a boulder.

John Television

Honestly, could it get any geekier than an article arguing about who would win in a fight between the Battlestar Galactica and the Star Trek Enterprise?

Seriously. Who argues about this stuff? Who thinks this stuff up?

And…

But…

And what’s even worse is they picked the Galactica??? COME ON! No way! It’s a Model T vs. a F-22! It wouldn’t be close!

*ahem*

But yeah … so geeky.

John Television, The Weeb

To be honest, I never really liked Demetri Martin that much as a correspondent on the Daily Show. He was funny, but too obscure for the style of the show, I thought. When I saw he had a comedy special on when I was in San Fran, I kept it on to watch while I was eating, but I wasn't really paying that much attention.

Then I saw this joke he did about pillow fights. It wasn't a regular joke … it was something he had written on a whiteboard. I laughed and laughed and thought it was brilliant — unfortunately, my hotel didn't have Tivo (or even my TiFaux from home) so the joke was lost… until I saw it tonight on the Comedy Network.

Here it is, time shifted Canadian cable network style:

Pillow Fights

Man vs. Woman = Fun
Man vs. Man = Gay
Woman vs. Woman = Awesome
Man vs. Pillow = Crazy
Pillow vs. Pillow = Crazy Awesome

Then for dessert he offered, "One time I saw two geese fighting and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'"

So good.

John Television

In the Pantene commercial shown above, Maria Menounos (who I admit, has very nice hair) talks about how easy it is to get the look she has, saying it’s all about the products.

To achieve her look she does the following:

• Blow dry in sections
• Spray some root lifter
• Pop it up in some rollers
• Mess it up a little with your fingers
• Spray it all over

Now, I am going to be very clear… I do not have great hair or a great hair style. Nobody has EVER said anything to me about my hair other than one of the following:

• Hey John, did you get a haircut? (Usually said after I did just get a haircut, but not always. My hair is just that random)
• Wow, uh, John, I think you’re losing your hair a bit. Just a bit. Nothing to worry about or anything. But… uh… yeah… it looks fine. Really.
• Dammit… you’re still not losing your hair. (This one is only said by my brother, who got the tall genes, can-grow-a-mustache genes and nice eye colour genes, but did not get the keep-his-hair genes)

But honestly, do other people think her hair routine is “pretty easy”?? My hair routine is:

• Wash it
• Dry it with a towel
• Put in some pommade
• Mess it up a little with my fingers
• Gradually lose a little more each day

The astute observer will note that I had the same number of steps, but also note, she did not mention washing, conditioning or getting admiring looks from everyone. I’m pretty sure my routine takes about a half an hour less than hers. It probably looks like it takes an hour less than hers, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make — I know my hair doesn’t look as good, all I’m disputing is that what she describes as “pretty easy”. I’m pretty sure most guys don’t spend anywhere near that much time on their wedding days doing their hair, and the insinuation is that her method is pretty good for a standard day for a woman .

I’ll be honest, I don’t even know how to blow dry “in sections”. And what the heck is a “root lifter”???

How do you do it ladies??

John Television

In Canada, we have public health care. Sometimes the hospitals look bland and institutional - heck, even sometimes run down. I usually get to see my doctor right away, but sometimes I have to wait an hour or so. The biggest advantage of it, to me, is that I never have to think about it. It’s there if I need it, when I need it, and it’s free (at least the same way that things like roads and the army are free).

In the US? You have commercials like this:

Yes, that’s Billy Mays, described on Wikipedia as “a television commercial and infomercial salesperson most notable for promoting OxiClean, Orange Glo, and other cleaning, home-based, and maintenance products. His signature yelling approach to pitching an array of products, along with his recognizable beard, have gained Mays a substantial amount of recognition.”

And he’s selling health insurance.

Is anyone besides me a little weirded out by this? At the risk of politicizing the place, I am glad that I live in a country where I don’t have to make health care decisions based on celebrity beard endorsements and 1-800 numbers.

John Television

“And now, their fates were in the hands of Carrot Top.”

John Television

You might have seen it - a series of commercials with a talking eyeball and talking tongues (plus various other body part guest stars) for Coke Zero.

The gist is that the tongues can’t believe it’s not regular Coke, despite what the snooty eyeball tells them. (The eyeball’s accent is French, in case you didn’t pick up on the snootiness from his attitude in general.)

It’s messing with my mind though… why is there only one eyeball but two tongues? If the idea is that tongues can only taste but not see, why can they hear what the eyeball is saying? And how do they all talk? (Well, I guess the tongues should be able to talk, kinda).

Then in this particular one I’ve embedded (which I haven’t seen on TV yet) there’s a severed finger / thumb that walks, talks and farts when you pull it. First of all, how has the eyeball never seen that trick before? Secondly, where does the fart come from? Sure, the pulled finger is the classic trigger for a fart gag, as any 4 year old will tell you, but that’s not where the fart comes from (we won’t go into that here). And lastly, thre is no tongue on earth that would enjoy being near that gag when it goes off. Sure, they probably can’t smell according to the weird logic of the commercial, but would you want to potentially taste one? Ew, not me.

John Television

John Television, The Weeb

This morning, Timmi and I got into an argument that started fun, but then turned ugly in more ways than one.

We were listening to music on my iTunes, and “Why Can’t This Be Love” by Van Halen came up. We listened for a bit, and after a while I said, “You do know what this song always makes me think of, right?”

Timmi immediately replied, “Crystal Gravy!”

I agreed heartily, because it was exactly the same for me. “The weird thing,” I said, “Is that this isn’t even the song in the ad.” (Isn’t it unusual that SNL fake ads are just “ads” to us now?)

Timmi said, “No way, this is the song.”

I said, “No, it’s ‘Right Here, Right Now’. Same album, different song.”

Timmi was dead set that I was wrong, so she went on a Googling warpath and found evidence which ultimately exonerated me:

Timmi’s a gracious loser, and agreed I was right, and we kept watching the video. Personally, I’ve always thought this ad was brilliant - it will be remembered much longer than the Crystal Pepsi ad it is poking fun at in my mind.

As we watched though, Timmi started looking green. Then she started retching a bit. Ninja, who had been snuggled up in her arms, got alarmed and took off. Timmi kept retching and getting closer to a full blown puke, and I was just puzzled.

She has a well-documented weak stomach, but I couldn’t see what the big deal was. Eventually, I got her to stop the video and tell me.

“You’re kidding right? You’re seriously telling me that whole commercial doesn’t remind you of snot?” she said and then retched some more.

“Uh, no, not at all, I just think it’s funny.”

“What? It’s totally about snot!”

“No it’s not,” I said, totally not intending to be punny, “Snot isn’t clear.”

“Affection snot is clear!”

“Uh … ew, what the hell is affection snot?”

“I didn’t say affection snot, I said IN-fection snot!”

“No you didn’t, you said affection snot, and I don’t know what that is, but I don’t want any missy!”

John Music, Television, The Weeb