• Pick a date
• Choose between “best available” and a series of meaningless categories, like “Dress circle H-K”
• Squint at blurry diagram of theatre that presumably shows where seats are
• Give up and choose “best available”
• Decide to not buy the $2,000 tickets that are “best available” after looking in vain for a “How about the best that aren’t $2000?” button
• Click “Try again”
• Choose a random non-$2000 ticket category
• Get an error because it doesn’t remember how many tickets I wanted the first time
• Re-enter the number of tickets I want
• Get an error because previous error made it forget my random non-$2000 ticket category
• Choose BOTH a ticket category and a quantity
• Get a message saying there are no tickets available for that quantity or category

Repeat 200 times. I more or less wrote this instead of finding the designer of the site and doing my version of the Saw movie series on him or her.

Here’s my beef though, and it’s not with the dog show as much as it is with the Discovery Channel.

I have no idea when this event takes place, and the show is broadcast then re-run pretty much all year round. When I look at the channel guide, I see it all the time, yet I never know whether it’s this year’s or last year’s.

Imagine if TSN showed the Super Bowl every Sunday, with just the label “Super Bowl” in the title.

I admit, the comparison breaks down, because honestly, I don’t really care who wins the dog show. I also don’t really admire the breeding differences between players, though running backs, quarterbacks, linemen and kickers do all seem to come from different species.

Oh, and look, it’s on my blog, not on twitter! Is the blog coming back? MAYBE!

This last weekend my project was finally installing the motion-sensitive light fixture that my brother gave me on the back of the house. I figured this wouldn’t be too hard, if everything was up to code in terms of junction box etc., with the light that was there now.

My house has some quirks with its electrical system as we’ve discovered. The previous owner was quite a capable handyman, but his profession was paint and drywall, not electrical, and sometimes the things he did … well, let’s just say they worked, but few were able to figure out how exactly. I hate to make a joke that sounds like a culturally insensitive Polish joke, but the light switches in my house are backwards – up is off, down is on, and apparently that’s the way it’s done in Poland, where the previous owner was from. I tried to rewire it myself, but 20 minutes and several visions of toiling in Lord Humungus’ sugar mines later, I let them be and decided I could learn to love the Polish way.

When I took the old light fixture off the wall, I was very happy and relieved to discover that there was a standard, up-to-code junction box underneath. I happily rewired things, installed the mounting plate, and then spent 90 minutes trying to fit the light onto the mounting plate.

I don’t know wtf was going on with that mounting device, but the one of the screws just wasn’t long enough to mount the damned light fixture properly. I was able to mount it, but there was a gap of about a centimeter on the one side because of the too-short screw. Making it worse was the issue that once I had wired the light fixture into the junction box, I couldn’t just set it down to figure out what to do, I had to mount it or unwire it. Net result was that I had to hold the thing up there with one hand while I worked on my tiptoes with the other hand.

I was frustrated, perspiring, and ready to throw in the towel and contemplate a world with no light in the backyard, when Timmi came down with a great idea – why not use the Mighty Putty we got for Christmas and see if that helped. At first, I thought her idea was crazy, but honestly, I was supposed to use putty or caulk to seal it after the fact anyway, so I thought, what the heck?

Very long story short, fast forward a half hour later, and that light fixture was securely affixed to the wall and nicely sealed to boot!

Now all I need to do is work up the courage to leave the light on without me standing there with a fire extinguisher. We’ll deal with that bit of paranoia in another post.

I fell and hit my head. It hurt lots, but I’m fine.

We went to Medieval times for the first time in my life. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad. The night was made when, after the show, a little girl behind us skipped along exclaiming to her dad, “That was the bestest thing I ever saw in my life!”

Then I had a carrot cupcake that I think (in cupcake terms) was the bestest thing I ever ate in MY life.

And now, my head hurts and I’m going to sleep for 2 hours, until I get awakened by my “brain buddy” to make sure everything’s good. It will be.

I’d be lying if I said this was the best thing I got for Christmas (that was actually the hand-written book of her recipes that my Mom gave me), but this gift from Chris and Tash was definitely the most fun!

The best part is they also gave me a ShamWow, some Mighty Putty, and all the fixins from the Slap Chop commercial.

In the “searching for a silver lining” sense of it, here is a story about my mom and Dad, from the Woodstock Daily Sentinel Review.

Dad used to call it the “Sentimental Review”, and in this case, it’s definitely true.

http://www.woodstocksentinelreview.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=2243397

Then I realized I had no sleeve. (I was wearing a short sleeved shirt.)

So I went for a Kleenex from the box across the table, but at the last minute, I realized I wasn’t going to make it.

So I went to sneeze into my hand, but, and I am not making this up, jerked my hand away because I have been so brainwashed to not sneeze into my hand that I couldn’t do it.

So instead, I ended up sneezing all over my glasses.

Please forgive any typos, I can’t see what I’m typing here.

There are things I love about Europe that are getting drilled home on our trip. There are things I don’t like as well, but I won’t call them out unless they are really egregious.

Likes:

- All the public transit everywhere is on the honour system. It is dependable. Every stop, subway, tram or bus, has a timer telling you when the next vehicle is coming.

- Beer. How can it be better and somewhere between half and one-tenth the price? Economics doesn’t work that way.

- Movie theatres. Okay, the sample size is tiny (I have seen one movie in Europe (it was Sunday night and Vienna doesn’t do Sundays)) but I love that the seats are assigned. Takes all the rushing for seats, worrying about who you’re sitting next to etc., out of the equation, and that’s great.

- Toilets. Almost all the toilets have very sensible “big flush” and “little flush” buttons. The one in the Vienna apartment just has a sort of on / off switch - flush as much as you need. Such a smart way to save water.

Dislikes:

- Stairs. See picture. Those are the stairs up to our apartment in Vienna. There are 96 knee crackers in that picture.

- All beverages besides beer. Are you thirsty? Tough! They aren’t going to bring you water unless you pay a lot for it. Want a diet coke? Be prepared to pay cognac prices for it. Europeans probably go into a 7-11 and look at Big Gulps the way I look at beer here.

- The remotes in our apartment. One is for the TV, one is for the “satellite cable” box. Both have one red button and one green button on the very top row of the remote. Both remotes have power one/off and mute in the top row. But with one remote, power on/off is red and mute is green, with the other remote, mute is red and power on/off is green. Makes you wish you were colour blind.

It goes a little something like this:

John: Hey Bill
Bill: Hey John
John: How’s it going?
Bill: Pretty good, how about you?
John: Meh

This is what I call “standard walking-past-each-other-in-the-hallway conversation #1″

Problem is, there were some words in the exchange that my brain supplied that my ears never actually heard, namely the “How about you?” part.

So the ACTUAL conversation went like this:

John: Hey Bill
Bill: Hey John
John: How’s it going?
Bill: Pretty good
John: Meh

Unfortunately, this is what is known as”standard John-is-a-jerk conversation #1″