johnrobe

Things that have happened over the past week have made me reflect much more on the people and things that have made me who I am. Obviously, one of the biggest influences was my Mom, who was I think the only person who wasn’t panicking this week.

When I was a boy, my mom used to buy all my clothes. To a lot of my friends, this is sort of a sacreligious thought, but I had no problem with it. As a kid, I hated shopping for clothes, and although that hasn’t carried over with the power that hating to clean my room has carried over, it still remains to this day.

With my mom, the source of almost all the odd expressions I use today, the watchword when it came to how I looked was “sharp”. No greater compliment could be paid to the outfit I was wearing or my appearance than “you look very sharp”. You don’t hear it nearly enough these days in my opinion. Perhaps it’s because we don’t look it nearly enough.

Tonight, Timmi showed me a series of Flickr sets devoted to the Sears Wishbook, and it all came pouring back to me.

We lived in a small town, and there were no real clothing stores nearby, so my mom did most of the clothes shopping in a way you just don’t hear about these days, via mail order Sears catalogue.

Personally, I only cared about the toy section, but to Mom, that wishbook and the other catalogues through the year were her way of clothing my brother and me.

About four times a year, I would come home from school and Mom would say, “I have a few things you need to try on”, and I would groan, internally. Sitting on the kitchen table would be several packages in brown parcel paper wrapping that Mom had received in the mail that day. Unwrapping would reveal one nightmare after the next, at least to today’s eyes.

That’s one of the reasons that I linked to that photoset, I swear, I’ve worn many of these before. My senior public school was called DM Sutherland, and DM’s school colours were green and red. Somewhat garish at the best of times, but not really colours that anyone, much less a boy going to his first day of grade 6 would want to garb himself in, but Mom thought it was important to show I supported my school, so on the first day, when most kids were showing up in their nicest new (and ordinary) jeans and shirts, I was wearing a green leisure suit with a red turtleneck underneath.

This is one of the reasons that Roch Carrier’s The Hockey Sweater (one of the greatest Canadian stories ever written) touches such a soft spot in my heart, because I was the boy in the story, only instead of a Toronto Maple Leafs hockey sweater, with me, it would have been a polyester leisure suit with a print shirt with a butterfly collar.

Sharp.

John Design

Timecop is not exactly a classic, yet I found myself watching it tonight (or more accurately, it was on while I was doing other things) and I realize that despite its theme of using the past to predict the future, it did a really really terrible job of it.

For those who don’t remember the film (and who would really) the plot goes something like this:

“An officer for a security agency that regulates time travel, must fend for his life against a shady politician who has a tie to his past.”

An even better summary is the tagline:

“They killed his wife ten years ago. There’s still time to save her. Murder is forever… until now.”

The reason I’m posting isn’t about the time travel problems in the movie. There have been a lot of time travel movies (Terminator, Back to the Future, 12 Monkeys, Peggy Sue Got Married, Bill & Ted etc.) and nobody has ever really done a great job of dealing with the time travel paradox, so I’m not going to hold that against Timecop.

No, the reason I’m writing this is the unintentional comedy of the movie. I’m not referring to the acting of Jean-Claude Van Damme, despite the fish-in-a-barrel nature of the possibilities.

I am referring to the technology in the movie. The faraway and fantastic technology of 2004, as envisioned in 1994.

Since we are in 2006, some of the tech might seem a little dated for us, but let’s review some of the highlights, for nostagia’s sake:

• Time travel is a reality. For safety’s sake the time travel pod is rocket propelled and runs down a track with a concrete wall at the end.
• Guns that have extra barrels on them and go “squip!” when they shoot, rather than “bang!”
• Computers that you hold in your hand (wait a second, maybe it’s a palm pilot) that you can just speak to and they’ll hack into hospital mainframes over a pay phone (okay, not a palm pilot).
• Sex via computers (okay, now we’re talking, we TOTALLY have that now — I bet you have other browser windows or tabs open looking at sex right now — unless you’re at work, in which case, they’re minimized) that you experience by putting on a virtual reality headset (okay, not so much, though this one sure is popular in other movies).
• And let’s not forget the biggie… the cars. With these things, you don’t actually DRIVE. That is SO 1990s. You get in, and you just tell it where you want to go. The car then drives you there while you sit inside, looking out from your … erm…. turret. Check out this bad boy and its eerily accurate prediction of the stylings of modern day cars:

Honestly movie people, before you write a movie set in “the future” take a look at pretty much every other movie set in some “future” year that has now come and gone. Hollywood has a TERRIBLE record of predicting what the world is going to be like. Learn from that. Scale it way back. Yes, it would be nice to have cars that drive themselves 10 years from now, but come on, do you not remember what a bitch it was just to get everyone to switch to unleaded? Switching everyone to the self-piloting land battleship is not going to be easier.

John Movies

It's been a while since a web page made me physically angry, but AOL / Blender 50 Worst Things to Happen to Music has done it. Not because of the content of the list, which was fine, I guess, but because of the design of the pages!

This thing breaks several rules of page layout, all at once. The heart of the problem is their use of a four column layout. Nothing wrong with that, I suppose, though personally, I’m a 3 column guy. Here are the biggest problems with the page, many of which come from their use of four columns:

1) The fourth column which is the same width as the rest of the columns, is used for ads, surveys and other assorted crap. Yet with the crazy up and down reading pattern they force you into, every time, you get to the end of the third column, scroll up and prepare to read the last column, only to discover you need to go to the next page instead.

2) The columns are so thin that they can’t fit a reasonably long story in a column without going below the fold of the page. Now, I’m not a “below the fold” nazi generally speaking, but I AM when it means you have to start reading, scroll down at least twice, then go all the way back to the top to read the next column. And no, those lame little upward pointing triangles don’t make up for this poor design, because nobody knows what they are.

3) There are no links to the next section when you need it. After you’ve gone down the first colum, back up to the top, down the second column, back up to the top, down the third column (then probably back up to the top to discover that the fourth column is useless, see above) there is no link to the next page, instead you have to go to another part of the page where the global nav is, which has nothing to mark which section you’re currently in, and make your choice there.

4) They don’t even follow their own column rules. Look at the second page, after their Van Halen items, they have a little section on choosing the next singer of Van Halen which spans two columns. That’s fine when you’re on your way down the second column, but when you’re on your way down the third column, all it does is use up space, leaving you in the middle of the page with no way of getting to the next page (see above).

5) They don’t even follow their own column rules - part two. Suddenly on page 5 they go to a 3 column rule with an extra fat first column because it seems they finally realize their columns aren’t wide enough. Then they go to a two column layout for the final page.

Yes, I know, it’s really dumb to rant about something as stupid and minor as this, but honestly, there’s no reason to lay out a simple article like this so poorly. Somewhere in all the vertical scrolling, as I got lost for the third or fourth time, I snapped.

To make it up to you, I have included the best picture from the list — fake lesbians T.A.T.U. almost kissing. Breow.

John Design, Rants, The Weeb

I am a lazy man when it comes to cleaning, and as such the Roomba has always been very appealing to me.

There is something very decadent about the idea of laying on the couch watching TV, or what have you, while a little robot scoots around vaccuuming for you. I won’t lie, I have considered getting one, but my innate frugality outweighs my innate laziness. Someday if I win the lottery though, look out floors, you’re going to have robots crawling all over you.

So please understand me when that when I comment on the RoomBud, it’s not that I think the Roomba is bad … it’s just that I can’t believe that some people are not only okay with the idea of a Roomba, that they want to have a Roomba Cozy for them.

I’d be interested in opinions though, is the French Maid Roomba cover a witty and cutting ironic juxtaposition of today’s technological decadence and old-fashioned upper class elitist fantasy, or just creepy?

John Shameless Consumerism

It's been hard to write lately. Very hard. I'm trying to write to keep my mind off things, but I've been having trouble coming up with a topic that I could write about.

And then this arrived in my inbox.

From: “Galinka S.”
To: “Artur”
Subject: hey from Galinka
Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2006 19:14:10 +0400

Greeting !

I am a lovely and lonely Lady who is looking for the man who will make me happy
and whom I want to feel like in paradise with!
If you want to be my beautiful Hero who will save me from this loneliness find
me
http://www.bGWPG1BtM.i-am-waiting4love.com/
and wake me up with a warm kiss.

goodbye,
Galechka

Let’s start from the top shall we, and learn the way to my heart.

First, call me Artur. I love that.

Then, say “Greeting !” instead of “Greetings!”. I find that charming. (Actually, although this post is pretty much all sarcasm, this one is kind of true).

Next, randomly capitalize things, like “Lady” and “Hero”. Random capitalization shows You care.

Then, show your mastery of English by using “whom” in phrases like “whom I want to feel like in paradise with!”

Finally, wrap it all up by signing it with a different name than you started with.

*swoon*

If you follow the link in the email (how nice that she took the time to set up a web page so I could learn more about her) you find out that she lives in Kherson, which I discover thanks to Wikipedia, is a city in southern Ukraine, the capital of Kherson Oblast, with 303,900 inhabitants (2004). It is an important port on the Black Sea and Dnieper River, also a home to major ship-building industry.

On the web page (I’ll understand if you don’t want to visit), which is titled lovemelongtime.com (though that isn’t the URL), you’ll see a nice description of her characteristics, like:

Occupation: Ballet dances trainer
Appearance: Attractive

Thanks for telling us she’s attractive!

And you’ll find 14 photos of her, as well as a link to send her an email, or if you prefer — gifts!

“Spoil your new love, we will choose the excellent Ukrainian chocolate for her pleasure!”

Ukrainian chocolate — for HER pleasure.

Alternatively, you could send her a romantic photo album!

“Here is a very original gift to your Lady that will be reminding you about You all the time!”

I already have something that reminds me of Me all the time — it’s called a mirror. I suppose a little romantic photo album of myself could work too, but it’s a little on the vain side, don’t you think?

Or, you can arrange a phone call with her.

“Most ladies do not have a telephone in their house. Also our office provides a confidential environment for them to talk freely.”

Yes… because it’s so much easier and less confidential to have a conversation from an office than from home. It’s not a defect, it’s a feature! Seriously, have you ever had a personal conversation at the office where you weren’t looking nervously over your shoulder? I suppose they mean it lets the ladies keep their home phone (if they have one, which they probably don’t) confidential so the freaks don’t start stalking them, but I also have to wonder if they wouldn’t mind that so much if they could still get their $60 an hour for the call.

Believe me, I am all for meeting people online, but there is something incredibly creepy about this. A woman who looks like Galina / Galechka doesn’t need to send out bulk email spam to meet a man, no matter how hellish and lonely Kherson might be. If this site exists for a reason other than to bilk lonely men with no spam filters out of their money, I wish Galechka / Galina the best of luck! Until then, I will just have to bring the snark.

John Love, Shameless Consumerism

For years, “Stuck in the Middle with You” by Stealer’s Wheel has been ruined for Timmi by Mister Blonde’s dancing to it in Reservoir Dogs. I know Timmi wasn’t alone in this reaction, because whenever I hear the music, I instinctively do a little Mister Blonde dance and I’ve seen the look of horror on some people’s faces. And no, that is not a comment on my dancing.

Today, in the trailer for Kevin Smith’s Clerks II, I think I saw something that may ultimately top that in people’s minds — Jay performing Buffalo Bill’s dance from Silence of the Lambs.

You know the one I mean. The one where Jame Gumb / Buffalo Bill / the murderer guy starts putting on makeup and dancing with himself in the mirror, chanting that he’d *ahem* do things to himself.

The question this brought to mind was … ultimately, which is creepier? I’m referring to the Silence of the Lambs dance vs. the Reservoir Dogs dance, not the Clerks II dance, since I’m hoping that will be funny rather than creepy. Mister Blonde’s dance never really got to me, but Bufflao Bill’s dance always did. I think the only thing that saved me from it becoming a regular case of the heebie jeebies is that the music used in the movie wasn’t and isn’t a popular hit. I hope Kevin Smith doesn’t change that.

John Movies

Tonight, alas, Sonar (our dodgeball team) lost for the first time this season. I blame my thumb. And my cold. And the lack of subs. And the other team being so good.

If you’d like to see some blurry photos, Wendy took some. The blur is due to the camera, not Wendy.

John Sports

I dare anyone out there, even you vegetarians, to read this and not want to go to Argentina and eat steak.

It must be almost spring … all I can think about is steak and barbecues. I even want to shower with the stuff (see below). This time though, it’s all about the food.

John Food

Those who don’t already know are somewhat surprised to find out that I am on a dodgeball team. This is mostly because I don’t really strike anyone as the type of person who would be involved in a sport where dodging is the primary activity, given that I am not well disposed toward dodging in a number of ways.

All that aside, I am not terrible, though I won’t really argue against anyone claiming I am the worst player on my team. I can throw pretty accurately, and I can catch once in a while. Our team is actually really good (for its league) and we’re about to go into the finals.

So it is difficult for me to admit that I am not going to be able to play in the finals at 100% this Thursday. Why? Because I am injured.

I have dodgeball thumb.

I figure if tennis can have an elbow then dodgeball can have a thumb. I’m not going to make the mistake that the poor bugger who first came down with tennis elbow made — I’m calling this thing right now, publically, and forever after, I want the injury associated with me.

You see, halfway through this season, I was dashing toward the middle to retrieve a ball, and after making some sort of heroic play (bear with me any of you who were actually there, I’m embellishing relating a tale here) I lost my balance and fell. I got up to my knees in time to see two guys bearing down on me with balls at the ready (*snicker*). Knowing that dodging would be impossible (it’s improbable at the best of times with me) I prepared for my only defense, a catch.

The guys both threw, more or less simultaneously, and as I tried to catch one of the balls, I misjudged and the ball went square off the end of my thumb, like a big orange spongy hammer on the end of a stubby pink nail. Then to make it worse, the second ball rammed into the first, giving me a double thumb wrenching whammy. There was a popping noise, and I felt a pretty intense pain. After that night I couldn’t play for several weeks. My thumb swelled up tremendously and it, and the whole palm of my hand, went purple.

Eventually my thumb got better and I started playing again. A few weeks after I got back, I actually saw a woman on another team get pretty much exactly the same injury. I was sympathetic, but I didn’t have much to offer in the way of support, until now, as I christen the injury that has afflicted us both.

Problem is, even after many weeks, my thumb was not great. I didn’t have very good grip, and any sudden jolts really hurt. Then last week, EXACTLY the same thing happened to the same thumb, I got a ball square off the end of it when trying to catch a ball. We didn’t have a male sub, and I was pretty useless for the last few games of the match.

As much as I hoped, I’m not really a lot better. It doesn’t really help that it’s awfully hard to go through your day without jarring your thumb in any way. This Thursday is the finals, and we’re up against what will probably be our toughest match of the season. I’ll update you on the result, and I’ll try and take some photos as well. If we win, it will be an orgy of self-congratulation. If we lose… it all comes down to … dodgeball thumb.

John Sports

On Saturday Night at Tash's birthday, we started talking about commercials, and the fury of Johnno was unleashed. I felt a little guilty about it. As crappy as Steelback commercials are, people probably didn’t understand my vehemence. Man, just mentioning Steelback threatens to sidetrack this into a rant about their craptacularity, but no…. I must fight it. I must channel my powers for good.

Tonight I saw the Dentyne Frost Bites commercial where the guy eats a bunch of the little things and his head freezes and then falls off, and it got me thinking. THAT is a pretty good commercial, and it’s so good not because of the special effects, or the script or the witty dialog… it’s good simply because it’s got the most awesome screaming in a commercial that I’ve ever seen. It also got me to thinking … the Dentyne commercial would be just fine in other languages. A scream is a scream, really.

So why the hell couldn’t Degree have done the same thing rather than their crazy bad overdub of the “Andrew! It’s dry and it doesn’t even smell bad!” commercial? WHY???

Think about it… Andrew goes running … he comes home. His girlfriend picks up his shirt. She smiles. She sniffs it and moans happily. She laughs, she sighs, she cries with joy. It works in German! It works in English! It doesn’t make anyone rant on a blog — anywhere!

Oh now I’ve done it, Johnno Furious is out again. Must stop now before I open the can on Steelback.

John Television