Sometimes, despite the annoyance, I love spam mail.
Usually, the mail contains links that are either an attempt to phish, or gain clickthroughs. Lately, though, I’ve been getting more and more of it that doesn’t have either. BoingBoing mentioned the phenomena of no-click spam lately, and I must admit, this blog has been getting a LOT of it. Today though, I received an email that was slightly different, though not at all new to me — the spam stock recommendation.
This little gem comes from “Rode U. Restrict”, and goes a little something like this:
Subject: a small cap examined a money in MARVIN
WE TOLD YOU TO WATCH!!!
IT’S STILL NOT TOO LATE!
Timing is everything!!!
Profits of 200-400% EXPECTED TRADING
Opening Price: 0.98
Yes, it is MOVING, Tomorrow could be even BIGGER!!!
A $1,000 dollar investment could yield a $5,000 dollar profit in
just one trade if you trade out at the top. ABSY should be one of the
most profitable ST0CKs to trade this year. In this range the ST0CK has
potential to move in either direction in bigs wings. This means you
should be able to buy at the lows and sell at the highs for months to come.
YOU COULD MAKE $$$THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS$$$ TRADING.
THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
ABSY is also on The REG SHO Threshold list, this means someone is short the
ST0CK. Any significant volume spike could yield drastic results.
If the people that are short have to cover, they will be buying the shares
from you at higher prices. This makes this ST0CK a TRIPLE PLAY for profits.
For pennies you can participate in a ST0CK that could yield results over
and over again just based on the trading patterns if the company is
able to effectuate it’s business model.
We could see a GREAT STORY IN THE MAKING.
GOOD LUCK AND TRADE OUT AT THE TOP!!!!
Let’s take a boo at this little gem, and decide if we should invest or not, shall we?
First of all, when it comes to investing… step one is make sure the stock really exists. Call me old-fashioned. I checked, and YES! There really is a ABSY stock symbol, and you know what? As of the time I write this, the asking price is only one cent off the one mentioned in my spam email. This could be legit! I could really make $5000 on a $1000 investment if I TRADE OUT AT THE TOP!!!
Next step when it comes to stock investing — nothing means more than the number of exclamation marks in the recommendation. Think about it… which would you listen to?
“Hey John, buy some IBM stock.”
“Hey John, buy some IBM stock!!!!!!!!!”
This little beauty from Rode U. Restrict has TWENTY ONE exclamation marks. It HAS to be good!
Going hand in hand with exclamation marks are capital letters. The ones at the beginning of words don’t count, since they’re automatic, but making the whole word capitalized? That’s a clear indication of the astute nature of the recommender. Think about it… which would you listen to:
“Hey John, buy some IBM stock!!!!!!”
“HEY JOHN, BUY SOME IBM STOCK!!!!!!”
I rest my case.
Err… sorry… I REST MY CASE!!!!!
After that, let’s look for those little touches in the email that show the person making the recommendation really cares — things like:
- Spelling “symbol” “SYMB0L”
- Spelling “stocks” “ST0CKs”
- Randomly capitalizing words in the middle of sentences like “Tomorrow” to make it Seem more Important.
For realizing that when you’re already in all-cap mode, you need an extra special something to emphasize things, and using something eye-catching AND contextual, like the dollar signs around “$$$THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS$$$”.
- For using the sentence “For pennies you can participate in a ST0CK that could yield results over and over again just based on the trading patterns if the company is able to effectuate it’s business model.” Seriously. Just read it. It’s so good I cut them slack on the extraneous apostrophe.
And finally, so good it’s outside the unordered list, for that subject line… a random collection of wonderfulness ending with an all-capped MARVIN. That’s what made my day.