johnrobe

A couple of months ago, I read Fast Food Nation, finally.

I had been putting it off for quite some time, because everyone who read it told me that after I read it, I wouldn't want to eat at McDonald's anymore.

The thing is, I never really ate at McDonald’s very much, but I always liked having the mental option of eating there.

After reading the book … well, there was some scary and sad stuff in there, but to be honest, I went to McDonald’s at least twice while I was reading the book, partly because they were talking about it so much, and partly out of a sense of urgency that after any upcoming turn of the page, they were going to reveal the dreadful fact that would make me not want to eat there anymore. Big Macs are made from babies! French fries are actually made from the French! Etc.

The dreadful deal-breaking fact never came, and so theoretically, I finished the book no less likely to eat at McDonald’s than before I started.

However, as of right now, I am boycotting McDonald’s.

No, it wasn’t a Fast Food Nation aftershock… it was their own marketing campaign.

What part of it you ask? One word: Samwich.

All the ads are about their new “deli-style samwiches”. I’ve had one. It was okay… not as food as a Subway or Mister Sub, but it was pretty good. That was before I saw any of the ads though. The ads that are supposedly conversations with people on the street tasting the sandwiches and describing how much they like them. I hate fake interviews (the people in the commercials are pretty obviously paid, or at least heavily edited), but that isn’t the problem. It’s that the narrator/interviewer calls them “McDonald’s deli-style samwiches”.

For some reason, the pronounciation of sandwich is pretty controversial … you have your “sand-witch” purists (like me), you have your accursed burn in hell “sam-witch” people or even worse, your “sam-widge” people. Then you have the trendy let’s-not-even-go-there “sammitch”. Then you have my aunt, who for some reason says “sand-ridge”. Sigh.

Let me be clear … If you personally say samwich instead of sandwich, I have no problem with that. I don’t pronounce everything like the dictionary says we’re supposed to, but call me old fashioned, I think that when you’re putting a commercial on TV, pronounce words properly dammit!

So that’s it! No more McDonald’s!

Well, except for McFlurries… I’ll still eat those.

Tonight I got my hair cut — in the 70s.

My bike was in the shop getting some work done, and as I went to pick it up, I walked past a barber shop I had never seen before, which is odd given that it’s easily the closest barbershop / hairdresser near my place.

I called Timmi and told her that I was going to go and get my hair cut. She asked me, quite seriously, if I was insane. Asking why, she explained that normal people didn’t just get haircuts on a whim in strange barbershops, especially ones like this place.

I can honestly say without exagerration, that this was the oddest barbershop I’ve been in since the 1970s, and the thing that makes it odd is that as far as I could tell, the place has not changed since the 70s.

Really, it’s not just about the decor, which was, I kid you not, brown plaid wallpaper and wood paneling. There was a mono casette radio from Prosonic called “The Party Machine”. The Party Machine was about 8 inches across, and not in the “stick your iPod in it and enjoy the high fidelity sound from Bay Bloor Radio” way — it was 8 inches across in the “don’t those Japanese make incredibly small transistor radios?” way.

The hair cutting implements were old school as well. The clippers were large and loud, but they didn’t really use them much. It was all about the scissors. They shaved my neck with a straight razor… after lathering my neck with a hot lather machine. There was a big glass jar of that blue liquid that old school barbers put combs in.

There were two barbers. They were Italian, and their names were Sal and Lou. Neither of them had a haircut that I would have wanted anywhere near my head.

To be honest, it wasn’t the best haircut I’ve ever had. Lou cut my neck with the straight razor, which although not as bad as it sounds, still wasn’t great. Still, I can honestly say, I will probably go back just for the nostalgia. It was amazing just sitting there, looking around the place via the mirrors and seeing nothing but 70s and 80s everywhere I looked. The only thing I saw that didn’t fit was the picture of the Italian team winning the 2006 World Cup, which all things considered, fit in just fine. It was good to have something to remind me that I was still in the present day, and not caught in some weird hair care twilight zone.

Tonight as I was flipping from one show to another, on Jerry Springer:

Angry wife: My husband isn't STUPID enough to sleep with a dirty whore like you!

Dirty whore: Yes he is!

And people wonder why I prefer MoPo. I admit, if all the dialog was this good, I would watch Springer, but after that, the bell rang and people started fighting. So lame.

For anyone who read my post about "Sugary drinks pile on pounds", you may remember I said it wouldn't be long until we had a follow-up of something equally obvious. Well, here it is.

This article, entitled “Exercise shrinks abdominal fat cells” makes the bold statement that exercise makes you lose fat around your belly.

Oh my gosh, really? If only someone had told me this before!!!! Quick, someone put these scientist together with the guys who let us know that drinking lots of Coke makes you fat, it’s a nutrition science dream team! Call me when there are some more findings, I’ll be on the treadmill!

I always look for the real kernal of science in these things. In the sugary drinks article the real bit of science was that high-fructose drinks like Coke make you even fatter than drinks made with glucose or regular sugar because of the way your body reacts to fructose. In this article, apparently the real finding isn’t so much that exercise makes you lose belly fat, it’s that diet alone won’t make you lose belly fat very well, but it will make you lose it from the hips, or something like that. The real problem here isn’t the scientists, it’s the news association that makes up the headlines reporting the results. And guys like me who then blog about it.

Way back in 1994, one of the best episodes of The Simpsons aired, an episode called Dancin' Homer.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, shame on you. The basic summary is that Homer and the family go to see the Springfield Isotopes, their local minor league ball team, as part of a company function. While there, Homer gets drunk and starts dancing around trying to inspire the crowd. The crowd gets into it and the Isotopes rally to win. The management is so impressed they offer Homer a job as Dancin’ Homer, the new mascot for the team.

With Homer’s dancing inspiring the crowd and the team, the Isotopes go on a winning streak, and Homer gets called up to the big league, to be the mascot for the parent team in Capital City, filling in for the Capital City Goofball, the best mascot in the business.

I love the episode, partly because it was so crazy that it could never happen in real life.

Until tonight.

Tonight while watching the Jays play the Devil Rays, I learned about a similar story happening in Tampa Bay. It seems that the regular Tampa Bay mascot, Raymond, was out of town attending the induction ceremony at the Mascot Hall of Fame in Philadelphia. In case you are wondering (and I know you are) this year, Clutch of the Houston Rockets, KC Wolf of the Kansas City Chiefs, and the Utah Jazz Bear will be enshrined.

I’ll pause while you say to yourself, “Hold the phone John, there’s a Mascot Hall of Fame!?!??!” Some of you might also ask, “Why do the Utah Jazz have a bear as a mascot? And why the heck is a team in Utah called The Jazz anyway???’ I know the answer to the latter is that they migrated to Utah from New Orleans (where Jazz makes sense), but I have no clue as to the former.

Okay, now that you’re back…

Since Raymond was going to be at the ceremony, he wasn’t available for the game tonight against the Jays.

“We thought it was important for Raymond to be at the Mascot Hall of Fame,” said Brian Killingsworth, director of promotions. “It’s a chance for Raymond to network with over 40 of the fuzziest minds out there.”

So to fill the gap, the team called up Chatter the Squirrel, official mascot of Class A Visalia, to fill in during Tuesday’s game.

” We know he’s no Raymond, but we’re sure that Chatter will bring his own sense of nuttiness to Tropicana Field,” said Andrew Friedman, the Rays Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations. You have to love the down home humour of the Tampa Bay management.

Apparently the Rays’ AAA mascot and AA mascot were unavailable. It’s chances like this that make career opportunities. Hopefully it will work out better for Chatter than it did for Dancin’ Homer, whose performance was summed up by a fan’s disgusted remark of, “These cornball antics might play in the sticks, but this is Capital City!”

Good luck Chatter.

I’m sure at this point, you’ve heard of Snakes on a Plane. No need to go into it futher other than to ask … have you seen this cool Samuel L. Jackson sends-you-an-email thingie?

I am totally going now.

That’s not why I’m posting this though … I’m posting because of the totally strange choice in contests associated with the movie.

Sure, we’re all quite used to marketing now. If McDonald’s can tie Pirates of the Caribbean and Volvo in with Happy Meals, anything is possible, right?

Well, the thing is, if I’m planning a marketing tie in for a movie about snakes on an airplane, what is the ONE thing I probably won’t use for a tie in? How about Travel Cuts? No, I’m not making that up, check out the link.

Because when you think of vacations — think Snakes on a Plane!

Last week, I went to Milestones and had a few bellinis, and I enjoyed them.

Or at least, I thought I had some bellinis.

Although I've worked as a bartender in the past, it's never been anyplace that you could call swanky or high falutin'. Nobody ever bellied up to the bar and asked for a bellini.

As such, I took Milestones at their word when they said:

Since 1993 Milestone’s is the original home of the Bellini.
- Often copied. Never duplicated.

A frozen blend of premium white rum, peach liqueur
and champagne, topped with Boone’s sangria.

Now, maybe I’m reading more into this than I should be, but when I read that, I think that a) Milestones invented the bellini, in 1993 and b) that the recipe is a frozen blend of rum, peach liqueur, champagne and sangria (topped with a little plastic animal).

I would be wrong.

According to Drinkboy:

A true Bellini is a refreshing drink made with Sparkling Wine and Peach Puree. Many might compare this to a Mimosa, which is made with Orange Juice, but there really isn’t much of a comparison.

The Bellini was first invented in 1948 at Harry’s Bar in Venice Italy. Giuseppe Cipriani was the head bartender at the time, and had a strong fondness for for the Italian White Peaches. He worked long and hard trying to develop a perfect cocktail which would use them as a base, then he tried the simple combination of pureed white peaches and prosecco (Italian Sparkling Wine), and he knew he had something.

No sangria, no rum, champagne instead of prosecco (though this is mostly a purists’ distinction). Milestones, what are you trying to sell us here? Exactly who is doing the copying and/or duplicating?

Don’t get me wrong, the Milestones bellini is a very tasty drink — one of my favourites to be honest, but how can you have such a drastically different recipe AND claim to be “the home of…” exactly? Did they buy the rights to the name or something?

In other news, as a good Canadian and Kids in the Hall fan, I still think of Paul Bellini when I hear the word Bellini, which is why he is pictured with this post.

Sarah wrote me with good news! Steven Seagal and Thunderbox are coming to Toronto! For all of you who missed his performance in Paris, he’ll be at Casino Rama, delighting all with his unique brand of … uh… martial arts and thunderboxery.

Action movie hero Steven Seagal performs urban blues with his house band Thunderbox, including songs such as: “Dark Angel”, “Gunfire in a Juke Joint” & “Shake”.

Honestly, I kind of want to go, I can’t see how it’s possible to be disappointed.

A while back I mentioned that a special pet peeve of mine are scientific studies that confirm the obvious. Along with such greats as "Alcohol makes members of the opposite sex more attractive", this study confirms what 100% of the rest of the world would have guessed before a single dime was spent.

An extra can of soda a day can pile on 15 pounds in a single year, and the “weight of evidence” strongly suggests that this sort of increased consumption is a key reason that more people have gained weight, the researchers say.

I love the “weight of evidence” part. Classy, yet ironically punny.

Let’s start taking bets on what the next study will be:

- Watching porn makes you horny, says new scientific report.

- Eating potato chips makes you thirsty, say researchers.

- Not getting enough sleep makes you cranky, study shows.

- Men prefer looking at attractive women, survey finds.

- Too much coffee makes you jumpy, report scientists.

Seriously, as easy as they are to make up, I swear, one of these will come true soon enough — mark my words!