johnrobe

I'm making some food for New Years Day, and one of the dishes involves tying things together.

To accomplish this complex task, I bought some "Helping Hand Cotton Twine", or is it is known to the "lay person" out there … string.

As I began unraveling my string, I was struck by how much writing there was on the label, I mean, it's string, it doesn't have ingredients or instructions. Or does it?

Turns out that the reason there's so much writing is that everything is in English, French and Spanish, which is fine. Everything except one thing, that is, which says:

CONT.: 1 Pieza

I'm assuming it's Spanish, but why this has to be there in Spanish but not in the other languages is puzzling to me. But it isn't as puzzling to me as this warning which appears on the package:

"CAUTION: Not recommended for use where personal safety is involved."

So, two questions come to mind.

1) Is this something that has come up in the past? Did someone try to McGuyver something with with Helping Hand Cotton Twine and there was a horrible failure and lawsuit?

2) Is tying up a roast something where "personal safety" is involved? In the most paranoid portions of my mind, I can imagine some scenarios where it would be. Have I done something horrible I will regret later?

Only the new year will tell.

John General

No, that isn’t (just) a great name for a mystery novel, that is what I have dubbed the “no-slip” bath mat in my parents’ bathroom.

As I got in the shower this morning, I noticed a “no slip” bathmat hanging on the railing and thought I should use it, you know, for safety. I put it on the floor of the shower, stepped on it a couple of times to make sure the suction cups were engaged, and then stepped into the shower.

And then I flipped, as would be described by Sir Isaac Newton, ass over tea kettle.

I hurt my back, bruised my hand, and then spent the rest of the shower in pain and half-fuming and half-scared that it would happen again. Whoever invented this particular brand of bath mat (I wish I knew who it was so I could flame them here) should burn in a special hell. I mean … the whole point is that the thing is for safety… it’s to make sure you DON’T fall, not to be some sort of bathtub skateboard. Grr.

John Rants

My eyesight is getting worse as the seasons move along, and many Christmas things, such as wrapping presents, making cookies and all the other things I'm not good at, as I have discovered, require you to be able to see things up close. It's been maddening, because I didn't bring home my glasses that I usually keep at work, and I haven't been able to find my "at home" glasses.

Tonight, I finally cracked and instigated a full house search with my personal "finding lost items" SWAT team, Timmi. Still, no luck. I was baffled.

So then I got back to Christmas business as best I could, squinting the whole time.

At some point I walked into the kitchen as, it turns out (I wasn't listening), she was saying how much she'd love some Christmas stickers to use when wrapping. Right at that moment I saw my glasses, sitting next to the dishwasher (a pretty weird place). I grabbed them and exclaimed triumphantly, "I found them!"

You can probably guess where this is going…. she thought I was talking about Christmas stickers.

Sure, given the timing, I can see why she might think that, but she also should probably have figured I meant the glasses, given the house-wide search that we had just gone through.

Here's the thing though — I got in trouble for it! For "getting her hopes up" about the stickers, which at that point were her fondest wish. Oh, if only I were that good at anticipating Fortunately, in the spirit of the season, I was forgiven. Take heed though, merry gentlemen, be careful how exuberantly you shout out things this time of year.

John General

The other night I was watching TV and the holiday Mister Bean episode came on. I'm a huge Rowan Atkinson fan, though Mister Bean has never been my thing. (I'm a Black Adder man).

Maybe it was just the holiday spirit but I thought the Mister Bean holiday special was pretty good, but as I watched it I wondered what the script to a Mister Bean special looked like. Could it be much more than:

- Mister Bean goes out to buy a Christmas tree
- Mister Bean collects money for the Salvation Army
- Mister Bean conducts the Salvation Army band
- Mister Bean stuffs a turkey
- Mister Bean's girlfriend comes over for dinner

Not a lot of proofreading required, just jot it down on index card and let the actors work.

Would that script violate the writers strike that's on? Please, can we have some stuff like that instead of the endless reruns and reality shows that are on right now?

John Television

Today I had to go to the bank to replace a lost bank card (see previous post for reason why). While at the bank, I had a very nice and helpful teller who was standing next to another nice and helpful teller who distracted me the entire time I was there. Why?

1) She had no natural eyebrows. Why they weren’t there, I’m not sure. It certainly seemed like she was capable of growing her own, she was a healthy looking person. I can only assume that it was a matter of choice/fashion/grooming or it was the result of a horrible plucking/waxing/weaving accident.
2) She had replaced her eyebrows with drawn-in lines. Now, this wasn’t an old lady, this was a woman in her twenties. They were artfully drawn (with one exception, see below) and clearly an intentional choice.
3) Her drawn-in eyebrows didn’t match. One was higher than the other, a la Mister Spock after someone says something illogical (see right).

The entire time I was at the counter, she was vaguely watching what we were doing at the next wicket, and every time I looked at her, she would look back with her, “Fascinating, that is most illogical” look, and I’d wonder what I had just done.

I honestly don’t know whether the off-kilter look was done by accident when she was putting her look together for the morning or whether it was on purpose to get reactions out of people all day long. I like to think it was the latter.

John General

Timmi’s wallet (pictured at right) got stolen today… by a lady that called me “Darlin’” when I held the door for her.

I’m not sure who is more crushed, Timmi or Lance, who was clearly also a fan of the wallet.

(Actually, we haven’t broken the news to Lance, but he likely won’t care, he’s far too entranced by the new Christmas tree in the house.)

John Rants