johnrobe

Grand Theft Auto 4 is coming out for the PC in November, and I'm so excited about it I decided to play its predecessor, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas again to hone my driving, pimping and shooting skills.

One of the things that the GTA series introduced with San Andreas was the ability to date in the game. There was a fair bit of notoriety associated with this feature due to the "Hot Coffee" mod that was released shortly after the game came out, which showed some R-rated material when you were particularly successful with your date.

The first time through the game a few years ago, I didn't really play the 'date' aspect of the game at all, so this time I wanted to spend more time with it. Although I did fairly well with one of the women who I encountered, the other was just not that into me, no matter what I tried.

In desperation, I turned where we all go for dating advice, www.gamefaqs.com. They have a Girlfriend FAQ for GTA: San Andreas, so I started looking through to see if there was anything that could help me. I was also somewhat curious to see if the game was "real world accurate" when it came to dating advice.

In addition to advice on how to succeed on dates, it also gave some words of wisdom for the things that be less successful. For example:

"The easiest way to make your relationship with a girl go down is to abuse her during a date. This means hitting her or shooting her with any weapons. If you just hit her once, the date might not immediately end. However, shooting the girl or beating her repeatedly will instantly end the date. Either way, your relationship will go down considerably. All of the girls can take quite a few hits, including multiple headshots from most weapons. However, they can die, and if you kill a girl through abuse, she will no longer be your girlfriend."

I've got to say …. they've more or less nailed that advice.

This post will veer into intimate areas not usually covered by this blog, but I promise it won't get too NSFW.

Last night I got into bed and snuggled up to Timmi, as per usual bedtime procedure. As I got comfortable and sleepy, I ran my hand up her side, and felt something unusual. It was a sticker, or a patch, something of that ilk.

I ran my fingers over it, and it was fairly large and round, and I couldn't think of a single reason why it would be there. I also couldn't figure out how Timmi didn't know it was there, stuck to her skin halfway up her side.

Eventually I could take the mystery no further and woke her up.

J: Honey? I'm sorry to wake you up, but what is this on your side?

T: Uh… wha? (Admittedly, she was pretty sleepy at this point still)

J: Here, on your side. It's a sticker or something. What is it? Are you on the patch?

T: The patch? What do you mean?

J: You know, the patch — like for nicotine or something.

T: What, you think I took up smoking in secret and then went on the patch in secret to shake the habit?

At this point she had located the sticker herself though, and with a mutter along the lines of "WTF?" she peeled it off, put it on her bedside table, and promptly fell asleep again.

I, on the other hand, was not so lucky.

I lay there for what seemed like hours, staring into space, wondering what the sticker was. If I knew where she had put it, I would have gotten up, taken it out of the room and examined it, but I didn't know where it was exactly, and I felt too guilty waking her up again.

So instead I let my mind wander and wander, trying to think of an explanation. Eventually, I fell asleep and had troubled dreams.

The next morning I asked her if she had saved the sticker, and fortunately she had. It was black and oval, a little bigger than a toonie. It said simply, "High Impact".

She said it must have been a label on some clothes she had been trying on earlier that day, and sure, that's plausible, but I'm looking for better, more conspiracy-laden theories — so let's hear 'em!

The last time the Leafs won the Stanley Cup, my mom was pregnant with me. That's a long time ago. I have watched hockey every year since then, though admittedly for the first 3 or so, I didn't know what was going on.

Except for a rebellious period in my youth when I was a Habs fan, I've been a Leafs fan the whole time, and it's been hard.

But I'm going on record here, in the face of all my Ottawa Senator loving "friends" out there (who only get the quotes when it comes to hockey) that I'm not giving up. I love the Leafs … and I'm not giving up.

This is the year. The year they go all the way. Even though they suck.